Settling the Estate Part 8: Family Interference

It was Labor Day weekend and I really thought, Satan who’s an alcoholic and jumps at any chance to party and get shit faced and take photos of herself like a college girl, was going to be quiet that weekend, and for the first time in almost 2 weeks I wouldn’t have to deal with her stress, but I was wrong.

Throughout all of the bullshit I went through there were 2 things I tried to keep in mind as I went through this process, the main one being my mom. My mom and I thought a like and I often times found myself trying to think of what she would do or want me to do. Family was the utmost important thing in my mom’s life, hands down, and with that said, the second thing I tried to remember is that I was not the only one who was grieving my mom and affected by losing her. I know the one person that was most important to my mom, outside of me, my dad and my brother was my grandmother. Even though my grandmother has six kids, 4 girls (counting my mom) and 2 boys, her relationships with each of her kids are unique. My mom and my grandmother, much like me and my mom were very close. My mom was always the “brainy” one. She was the one everyone came to when they were looking for information or research on something. If my mom didn’t know the answer she would find the answer. If she didn’t know how to do something, she would figure it out. She was a very good problem solver and I know everyone respected her advice and opinions, especially my grandmother.

Looking at my family now, I have a completely different perspective than I did. My idealized views of the people I once called Aunts and Uncles has changed completely. Through all of this, I was really able to see everyone’s true colors and when I started to see them, I started to see them very vividly. My mom always said she was the black sheep, the ugly sister, and a lot of the times she would say she didn’t fit in. In some ways she was wrong, but looking at it now, I see why she felt that way. My mom differed from her sisters because she was more rational and realistic. She was more patient, caring and understanding. She was real. I think that’s why my grandma appreciated my mom so much. She knew when she needed things done, my mom was the one to make them happen. My grandma is an extremely passive person and I hate to say this, but she spent most of her life being a slave and being used and pushed around by other people. Her mother seemed to be dominating and controlling over her, and I know for sure my grandfather was too. She was always treated like she was dumb, and her opinion didn’t matter, and after decades of being treated that way, it’s almost like she needs other people to think for her. I find that some of my mom’s sisters treat her the same way. It’s almost as if they want to keep her dumb and oblivious to what’s going on. They don’t tell her things that they believe will upset her. That’s especially the case with my Aunt Bea who is her main caretaker. Aunt Bea, or “the godmother” as I like to refer to her as, controls the narrative. My grandmother only knows what Aunt Bea WANTS her to know, otherwise she is kept in the dark. My mom was her light. My mom was the one who was honest with her and kept her informed about what was REALLY going on. She cared for her and encouraged her. When my grandmother would say she couldn’t do something, my mom would tell her to stop saying she can’t, and she’s tell her that she can do anything she puts her mind to. My mom was patient with her and treated her like an actual person and not some idiot who’s head was in the clouds. I think because of that, and the fact that my grandmother only found out about my mom’s cancer, 2 days before she died (because again, Aunt Bea wanted to keep her in the dark) my mom’s death has hit my 90 year old grandmother pretty hard and you can see the physical effects it’s had on her mind. My mom’s sister’s will all write it off to the fact that my grandmother turned 90 about 3 months before my mom died, and yes I know her age is a huge contributing factor, but the amount of mental decline she’s had since my mom died has been too rapid, and I don’t believe that the human body comes with some preprogrammed setting that suddenly alters your mental capacity once you hit the age of 90. The death of a child is never an easy one. You are not supposed to outlive your kids. Period. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it is tragic and when you are that age, it’s been scientifically studied that grief effects you differently, and can have a severe impact on mental health……especially when you were kept in the dark about your child’s disease.

With all that said, I wanted my grandmother to have a chance to come into my mom’s house, to sit in her room, to look at her stuff and to say goodbye. I wanted her to be able to hand pick items that she would’ve wanted from my mom. This is something I think my mom would’ve wanted and something my grandmother needed, due to the fact that my mom’s death happened suddenly to her. She didn’t get the time she needed to spend with my mom because my Aunt Bea decided for my mom and for my grandmother, that it would be too worrisome to tell my grandma that my mom had cancer. I guess as usual Aunt Bea wasn’t thinking, because the effects of a sudden death can leave someone even more confused.

Although I do not remember exactly what happened at the time but there was some type of medical episode where my grandma was getting vertigo and she had fallen in her apartment, where she lives all alone. Instead of taking her in to one of their homes (they say she “doesn’t want to leave her apartment” *insert eyeroll) to live with them, they decided to do the next best (and less responsible) thing, and get her a life alert necklace, (in which she reminds me that she hates, every time I see her) and a walker (complete with no tennis balls to make it glide so it’s easier to walk with) in case she falls. I knew me wanting to go pick up my grandmother and bring her to the House meant I’d have to clear it with her “caretakers”, but the first person I called was my grandmother to see if it was something she’d even want to do. My grandmother was really excited about it and right away said yes, she would go, but more excited because she was going get to test out my mom’s bed in which I’d been promising her since my mom’s wake 9 months prior. My brother and his wife were giving me problems about it, in fact I my brother told me I “can’t go giving away whatever I want” and they told my husband, “everything has a value”. My mom spent thousands on this bed in 2015. It came with all the bells and whistles like massagers and lights so you can see your slippers in the middle of the night, and it was fully adjustable. Of course when I called my brother and left a message on his home phone’s answering machine telling him I was going to bring my grandmother to the house and extending the same invitation to my mom’s other sisters that I wasn’t speaking with, “he” acted like it was no big deal. That’s because by that point in time all of my mom’s siblings knew my grandmother wanted the bed, so they had to act like they were now ok with it.

A text from my brother that was sent Nov. 23, 2016 (3 days after my mom passed) where he tells me I can’t be “giving away what i want” in reference to my mom’s bed. Notice also he says that I was trying to have him written out of the will. That was not true at all, but proved my aunt Bea had told him that.

With my grandma on board, I called the only sister of my mom’s that I was actually still speaking with and asked her if she can inform the other two sisters that I was taking her. Finally on the morning of Sept 2nd I called my grandmother and sure enough she starts telling me that she doesn’t think it’s a good idea that she goes, because she didn’t feel good, and she was concerned she may fall again, and she is nervous, etc. I knew my mom’s sister’s got to her. I was disappointed, but since I already had plans to go out there I decided to go spend the day with her. Of course they had to make a big deal about it and acted like it wasn’t a good idea, even though that same year my mom’s cousin brought her on a tour of Manhattan, but me bringing her to my mom’s House was a big deal. It’s only a big deal because it was me. I cared for my mom by myself for an entire year and no one thought that was a problem, but I wasn’t responsible enough to care for my own grandmother. I called my one Aunt that I was still speaking with and told her what happened as I drove over there.

Finally, I showed up at my grandmas apartment, and once I got there she had changed her mind again, and she was actually excited to go again. While I was there I just had to look on her caller ID. Sure enough right before I called her that day to come get her, right in a row, I see my Aunt B called, then my aunt Debbie and then me. From years of knowing them I know how they operate, first Aunt B calls my grandma, then she calls my aunt Debbie when she gets off the phone with My grandmother, and then my aunt Debbie calls my grandmother all so they can say things to her like, “be careful ma!”, “I’m justworried you will fall and break your hip again”, “make sure she helps you get in and out of the car”, etc etc. They purposely work her up so she’s all nervous and doubting herself. It’s the same thing narcissists do to their victims.

Anyway, I got to the house with my grandma and go to put my key in the door, and I notice the door was unlocked, and the first thing I see is a clear envelope with a stack of papers and pre-addressed envelopes that were all typed out. It was all the checks for the bills that my brother’s wife kept insisting we pay off “immediately”. Once again my brother evaded having to meet up with me. Also, I wouldn’t put it by Satan that she wanted to upset me and piss me off in an attempt to ruin my time with my grandmother. She was also sure to send me an email right at the time I was arriving there with instructions on what to do with the checks, as if I didn’t know and couldn’t figure it out on my own. It was a Saturday, the last Saturday of the summer, but I guess evil doesn’t take a day off. Here is her email sent on Sept. 2nd at 12:24pm:

I’ve left a stack of signed checks to pay the creditors. Each check is in an addressed envelope. Please sign the checks and drop them in the mail. This should take care of most of the debts.  Once I receive my reimbursement check, I’ll know that the other creditors have received their checks as well. 

Please return then TV from mom’s bedroom to the house. That TV was from my old apartment and I had lent it to mom. I wanted to take that TV for [my brother’s daughter]. Please let me know when you’ve returned it. 

As I’ve previously requested, please do not remove anything from the house without giving me an opportunity to object. My attorney will be contacting your attorney regarding this. Please reply with confirmation that you understand that no items should be removed from the house without giving each other opportunity to object. 

This fucking asshole. She really knows how to make something out of nothing. First off, the first paragraph, all of it was completely unnecessary, especially the last part about how once she receives my brother’s reimbursement check, she will know the creditors for paid. How does that even assure that? What if one of the creditors checks got lost in the mail? It’s just so stupid. She just wanted to point out the reimbursement check to make sure it was signed and she got paid. At one point in time, one of my moms sisters claimed that my brother has laid out over $12,000 paying bills, it was more like $2,000 and a lot of that was because he was seeking $600 reimbursement for filing my my mom’s sister’s petition to become executors.

As far as the part about the T.V., I was literally laughing out loud when I saw that. First off I loved that my “brother” had no idea what his own god damn TV looked like, because the one my mom had in her room, that wasn’t his. My mom purchased that TV when she redid her bedroom. My mom had 3 TVs in her house when she died. There was a small one in the kitchen and then she had one in her living room and one in her bed room that were both the exact same size. To be quite honest, the T.V. In the living room was newer and so I took the one in her bedroom thinking that they would complain if I took the newer TV. The newer one was still in the house, because I had left it there for them to take. The TV my brother is referring to that was his, was long gone. In his haste while discarding everything he owned, 3 months after meeting Satan so he could move into her house, he asked my mom if she wanted his TV, since she had purchased it for him and his ex-fiancé for Xmas one year. She said yes and intended on hanging it up in the spare bedroom, but she never got around to it. Instead it sat there for well over a year on the floor with a garbage bag over it to protect the screen. Finally one day I had asked my mom what she was doing with the TV because I was converting my guest room into a playroom for my son, and the TV we had in there was one of those old style, tube TV’s that they no longer make. My mom told me to just take it since all it was doing was taking up space. Of course I was not going to tell my brother that. At this point I really didn’t give a shit. After all the lies he had told me, why did he deserve to hear the truth?

Every time I’d see his name and his fake ass email address in my inbox my heart wound start racing because I knew it was going to be some bullshit. Every time I opened an email it got worse and worse her demands got more and more insane. She really had some nerve “requesting that I didn’t remove any items from the house” and that I reply with a confirmation that understand. What I wanted to reply with was a big FUCK YOU, SATAN!

Again, this pig showed her lack of respect for the grieving process. I was furious as I sat there with my grandmother….

To be continued….

Later that night I dropped

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