Once again it has been some time since I last updated this blog. In a nut shell, since the day I received letters of administration, from that point on, my life became an absolute and utter living fucking hell. I thought caring for my mom was stressful and it was……extremely, but settling an estate with a person like my brother’s wife who completely lacks empathy, compassion, humility, integrity, honesty and a moral compass, was complete and utter torture. I much rather be waterboarded than to ever have to deal with that demon again.
I had always thought since day one that my brother’s wife was a narcissist, but after all I’ve been through, I am now convinced that she is a full blown, legitimate, certified, clinical psychopath, with heavy narcissistic traits, and my brother has been fully indoctrinated into her sick, twisted and sadistic world. Years ago I saw him as a poor defenseless and naive victim, but now my empathy for him is completely lost. I have done extensive reading about personality disorders, co-dependents, enabling, toxic people, high conflict people, etc etc and I now understand that my brother in some way is responsible for the abuse, because he allows it to continue. When I look back to 2 months after his wedding when he showed up unannounced on my front door step, while in the midst of psychotic, shit-storm of an argument with his wife, and confessed to me that he thought she had borderline personality disorder, and had been “researching” it for weeks, I realize that he at that point in time had choice. Due to the timing of all of this, being only 2 months after they officially and legally became a committed union, I assume that this was the time you read about in so many articles about emotional abusers, that the mask finally slipped, and Satan started showing her true colors. At that point in time, even though she caused all that drama before their wedding, he wasn’t still fully engulfed in the fog and for whatever reason, he had a brief moment of clarity and acknowledged that there was something deeply wrong with her that he couldn’t handle. Sure enough though, as all narcissists do, she somehow sweet talked him with the promise to change and to see a marriage counselor (of her choosing of course) she “Hoovered” him back in, but there was an acknowledgement of her illness and that’s my whole point here. At that point in time while it would’ve been completely inconvenient, he could’ve easily got out of the marriage, and even possibly had it annulled. Sure he would’ve had to start all over, but it would’ve been a lot easier. He had more support, there were no real financial ties except his car, and most importantly no children. His heart would’ve been broken but he would’ve healed. Instead of walking away though, he made a clear and conscious CHOICE to not only try to work things out with her, but to actively start trying to have a child with her…..because you know, that solves everything. He decided to take an already unhealthy, toxic and messy situation and make it even more messy by adding an innocent child into the mix. He guaranteed himself that this woman is going to run his life on some level; for the rest of his life, even if she leaves him. Their poor kid didn’t ask to be born into this shit and shame on my brother for forcing it upon her.
When my brother told me that he believed his wife had Borderline personality disorder right away I started to read up on it to maybe gain some type of understanding of why things happened the way they did. The bulk of articles on the subject warn the reader, who is most likely the victim of their abuse, to run and run fast and to not look back. I found very few articles where there was empathy towards this person. In the end, Bordelines, Narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths etc, all fall under the same category in the DSM (the book psychologists use to diagnose) and they all have overlapping traits, with slight variations from one other. The label itself doesn’t matter, because when you read about being in intimate relationships with any of them, the consensus is the same. You are looking towards a future of gaslighting, splitting, manipulation, taking all of the blame and worst of all, intense emotional abuse. My brother read all of this shit and for some reason decided to stick it out. That’s is why my sympathy for him is non-existent. My brother clearly has his own issues. What exactly they are, I don’t know, but I do know the one thing that probably drives him into controlling relationships with emotionally unstable women is that he is insecure with himself and feels he cannot do any better than what he can get. In other words, his expectations of women are low because his self-esteem is low. My brother, in my opinion is in an extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship and due to the stigma that is attached to men being the victims, he is in complete denial about it. It’s a shame because men are afraid to reach out for help and admit that they are being browbeat by an abusive woman. Satan has fully altered his reality and the sickest part is that my brother actually still believes that he is in full control of his life.
My family only reinforces his delusional beliefs by ignoring and enabling him and his wife, by sitting on the sidelines quietly. (While some actively encourage the toxic behavior). What they fail to understand though is that I saw things, heard things and even witnessed things that were red flags, right from the beginning. What they feel to realize is that all abusers and all victims share a set characteristics that can be noticed by the outside world. I saw a lot of them from day one. I too was in a similar relationship and there were certain things my brother would do in the first few months of their relationship that I recognized myself doing when I was in that relationship. I saw a stark change in my brother’s overall behavior and demeanor whenever she was around. Even when she wasn’t around I could still detect something was wrong. My brother is very quiet when there’s something bothering him. I can tell when something is wrong with him within seconds of seeing him. I know what worry, fear and anxiety look like on his face. I know when he feels uncomfortable. Hell I can even tell when he’s trying to fake that everything is ok. After a lifetime of being around someone you don’t even need them to speak or express themselves to know something isn’t right. Their facial expressions and body language say it all.
The times I did see my brother during the first 6 months of his relationship while she wasn’t around, I could tell he was fighting with her. He’d be glued to his phone texting back and forth with her, all quiet and off in his own little world. Other ways I could tell something was off was that my brother started trying to sensor me too. He would ask me not to discuss certain topics or to hide things from her. That is not normal. He feared her reaction to things and seemed to be always walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation. Watching my brother change in these ways was scary to me. After a while he stated sounding like he was joining a cult. He no longer expressed his own ideas and opinions. Everything was, “well Satan says this is a good idea..”, or “Satan says i should do this.”, or “Satan knows because she’s been there and done that.”. That was all part of him being indoctrinated and brainwashed into thinking she knew best in every situation, always.
I don’t know how my family expects me not to feel a certain type of way about his wife. What they don’t get is that it wasn’t one or two little things. It’s a compilation of many different factors that made me worry about him and caused a complete lack of trust in his wife. When you see someone completely losing control, freedom and isolating themselves it is a scary thing to witness. I don’t know if maybe even with them they don’t get how a woman can be abusive. Maybe it’s because both my aunt Debbie and my Aunt Bea share in some of these toxic and abusive traits that Satan possesses, themselves and they fail to recognize that they are indeed abusive.
I don’t know but what I do know is that I don’t have to put up with toxic and abusive behavior from ANYONE. What I do know is that everything I believed was happening when my mom was sick, was really happening and that’s why my family refuses to face me. Facing me means facing the truth. Facing me means facing their own wrongdoings. It means facing that their lies and with that said, I will never talk to any of them, ever again.