I was going to post this on a Facebook group for those of us who are grieving our parents, but I decided to post it here instead since I can post it anonymously. Since I wanted to update this blog anyway with where things are at now, I figured I’d give you all a summary of what’s been going on in the last few months. I plan to update more regularly. Anyway here is where things currently stand.
Finally, after 9 months of fighting, I am the executor on my mom’s estate….well co-executor. It’s a really long story, but I had to fight to get that title. It’s something I know my mom wanted me to have, but just didn’t have the time to give me. Her house sat there for 9 months and finally I can go in it and take what I want without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Getting rid of her house is going to be so hard for me. It’s my childhood home. My parents moved in there April of 1981, almost exactly a month after I was born. For the first few months after she passed, it was still there and it gave me some kind of comfort and made me feel close to her. As time wore on and spiders and other bugs became the main occupants of the now vacant home, I started to dread going there to check on it. I am having a really hard time now with all of this. I feel like my grief was on hold for 9 months because to me going through her stuff and clearing out her house is a necessary part of the process.
What makes things worse is that I have been estranged from my brother for 4 years. He married someone who I believe is a real deal, clinical, certified narcissistic psychopath. She completely destroyed our relationship. She hates me. She hates me because she knows I have her number. Not only did she destroy our relationship but she destroyed the one between him and my mom. They treated her like sh*t when she was well and it wasn’t until she was diagnosed with a rare form of aggressive cancer, that all of the sudden she wanted to act friendly with my mom. That was only so she can get into my mom’s personal financial business and estimate how much if her money her and my brother would be getting. They put me through complete hell while my mom was dying in the hospital that last month of life. They invaded her privacy in multiple occasions without her consent. They lied to her, manipulated her and made her feel bad about making me her healthcare proxy. They harassed her about getting her affairs in order even though they knew damn well they were in order. My mom didn’t want to talk about her cancer, let alone accept the fact that she was dying. They even went so far as planting a camera in her house and threatening to sue me when when I removed it! Those two a-holes left her high and dry when she came home from having an 8″ mass and her kidney removed. The night I brought her to the ER for the last time, they were in the city at a comedy show. Their lives went on as if nothing was going on. Mine didn’t. I suffered every second along side her the whole way through, to the very end.
I had no choice really but to be co-executor with my brother. My mom’s will actually named two of her sisters who have also been charmed by the sociopath. There’s some history there too but I’ll spare you guys the details. I knew if my aunts were executors the sociopath would still be running the show and instead of dealing with 2 a-holes I’d be dealing with four! For years prior to my mom being sick she talked about making me the executor of her will. She did not want my brother’s wife involved in her affairs and she made it well known to EVERYONE she knew, and especially her two sisters! For years she thought my brother was the executor and she wanted to have that changed. To this day I do not know why she thought that. I was in shock the first time I saw her will and saw her sisters named.
After my mom passed my brother tried to bypass her will and become administrator of her estate. I believe he had this plan in action well before she died and my aunts were in on it with him. He lied to an attorney, and perjured himself by signing documents saying that to his best knowledge, no will existed. My attorney told me in his 40+ years in law, he NEVER saw anyone file a petition for administration that fast after someone dies. My brother knew damn well that my mom had a will and I had the text messages to prove it. I had to hunt down the lawyer who wrote my mom’s will in 1996. I finally found him and filed her will putting my brother’s admin attempt to a grinding halt. I was ok with my aunts doing it until one day I caught my brother and his wife removing boxes of stuff from my mom’s house. His wife had the nerve to call the police on ME for being on MY property, while she was tresspassing! They told the cop that my aunts told them they could take what they wanted! My aunts hadn’t even entered their paperwork at that point in time and it still took them another two months before they actually filed. At that point I knew I had to object to their appointment as executors.
I entered an objection in court to my aunts being executors. In the meanwhile my brother and his wife diverted all the mail to their house and told me they were paying all of the bills until an estate account was established. That wasn’t the case at all. They just didn’t want me to know what was going on. By the grace of god back when my mom was in the hospital earlier in the year; she told me to hide some paperwork in her closet after I caught them snooping the first time. Luckily I was able to call all the utilities and stuff and pay the past due bills to keep the house going until someone was appointed.
After I filed my objection, after months of not talking to me, my brother and aunts started to reach out to me and tried to scare and bully me into dropping my objection, threatening to stop paying bills and let the house become abandoned and occupied by squatters. They had no idea I already had the info and paid the bills. They even went so far as to try to get to me by harassing other family members to deliver their messages. I was NOT dropping my objection. No way in HELL. I knew I had a good chance of winning and so finally I responded to all of the threats telling my “aunts” (I don’t even like to dignify them with that title anymore) that if they really cared about my mom’s hard earned money as they claimed they did, they’d step back and let my brother and I handle everything. Sure enough three days later my attorney called me and told me my aunts agreed to resign.
It still took another few months to get all the paperwork in with the courts. I had severe anxiety during those months. Finally, last week I received my letters of testamentary. I am still in hell. Part of the agreement we signed when my aunts resigned was a stipulation we added that my brother had to act on his own and carry all his executor duties, in his own capacity. Why did we add this? Well two days before my mom died, he signed over power of attorney to his wife so she can be a stand in administrator of my mom’s estate, and act in place of him.
They signed the agreement but that hasn’t stopped his wife from thinking she is in charge. Instead of being a woman and stepping aside, what does she do? After he signed his oath as executor, she creates a new email in his name and starts sending me these bs emails like she is in charge and I am her assistant or something. My attorney has told me that my “brother” cannot refuse to communicate with me any other way aside from email. He will not meet with me in person or call me on the phone. They are collecting assets and not even telling me what they’re doing, once again trying to keep me in the dark. They are idiots. Me and my mom were best friends. I know everything that was going on in her life. I will NEVER be in the dark about her. It’s so obvious my brother is not writing the emails. The manipulative, controlling and demanding undertone is not him. The argumentativeness is not him. The lack of heart and care is not him…..and that’s what I find most disturbing. They are not grieving. I am. My brother told me the other day he wanted to have the house sold before the school year and before the winter show doesn’t have to pay another oil bill. We are inheriting a pretty decent chunk of change. The few hundred for the oil bill will be nothing in comparison to what we are getting. They don’t even want to hire a real estate agent to sell the house. They want to milk every penny out of the estate that he possibly can. He has no interest in anything in the house. Not even for his daughter to have something of her grandmothers. I am so disappointed in him.As he lives in his large half million dollar home, in an upper middle class neighborhood and drives his expensive truck, he worries about saving a few bucks off her last months insurance. It’s disturbing. He is a mere shell of who he once was. My mother’s wishes, which he is WELL aware of, aren’t even of any importance to him. It’s all about money…..nothing more, nothing less.
I on the other hand am having a very hard time letting go. I’m not looking to squander assets but I want to take time and do things with care. I want to go through my mom’s house and look at everything. This was my childhood home. There are 35 years worth of memories in that home. My dad passed away in 2006 and so that house is really all that’s left of our family. I thought about keeping it and renting it out but I don’t even know if that’s feasible. My husband has no interest in being a landlord and I can’t say I blame him. We cared for her house and our own for the past four years. We sacrificed the last year of our lives to care for her. My husband has been more of a son to my mom than my own brother. We need a break. My husband also doesn’t want to live in my mom’s house because it’s in the town we grew up in. Unfortunately I cannot be selfish as much as I want to be. I have to do what’s best for my family and not just myself. I am beside myself. I really am.
Not only did I lose my mom this year, I also lost my brother and half of my extended family. My grief counselor told me during our last session that I have ALL of the factors that complicate grief, and those are, the age of the decedent, the closeness of the relationship and a lack of family support. There was one other but I forget it. I often wonder if my brother is even grieving. I wonder if he misses my mom at all. He treated her like dirt for the last three years of her life. At one time, like him and I, they had a very close relationship. I’ve even questioned if maybe my brother is also a narcissist, just like his wife. When I think back on the rest of his life I don’t think so. I think that’s who he is forced to be because he cannot be himself anymore. I don’t even think he knows who he is anymore.