My mom wanted to know why Satan was calling up the hospital asking about who her healthcare proxy was and so she called my brother to ask. That was also when she informed him that she appointed me to be her healthcare proxy. My mom said he flipped out and got all “butt hurt” (I hate that word but it’s the only way to describe what he was). She explained to him that it wasn’t anything personal and that she only picked me because I’m the one who has been taking her to all of her doctors appointments and stuff. She also told me that my brother said he thought I was, “holding back information from him”. I wasn’t. I made a conscious decision and elected not to tell him about the MRI report because I am not a doctor, and I didn’t feel it was my place to give such news. God forbid I had interpreted wrong. I didn’t want to send everyone into a panic. Even though I was 99% sure I was right, there was still that 1% I was wrong about it. Before we hung up she asked me if I could talk to my brother and clear up everything. I told her I would.
At this point in time I really wanted to try to keep the communication with my brother open. I was extremely worried about the state my mom was in. Seeing her on all the heavy pain meds only made things seem worse. It was hard to decipher between what was her being in bad shape and her being medicated. She would nod off while you were talking to her and at other times she’d be mumbling to herself or saying things that didn’t make sense. I was sincerely trying to keep a dialogue open with my brother for her sake. I explained to him that if he finds there’s any information missing from what I’m telling him, it’s because I don’t know it. That was the gods honest truth. I don’t know if he was referring to anything specific when he told my mom I wasn’t communicating with him or if he just believed that in general. We were texting back and forth for a while. After I tried to straighten out the communication issue, I wanted to explain the healthcare proxy. I told him that it wasn’t about what either him or I wanted, it was about what my mom wanted. It was about carrying out her wishes. He understood. I told him that her wishes were something we would have to discuss with her. He also agreed. I then suggested that just me and him, alone agree on a time to sit down with her and go over what her wishes were. It was at that exact moment, that he completely stopped answering me.
I knew what the problem was and why he suddenly stopped answering. He knew there was NEVER even going to be a remote possibility of Satan allowing just me, him and my mom to sit down in a room. I don’t get why she’d even want to be there. Someone’s dying wishes are a very personal thing. My brother seemed to forget that we weren’t that close with Satan. It was like having a complete stranger sitting there while discussing the most intimate details about your life. Have respect for my mom too. She wants to talk alone with her children just like our dad did. She needs to feel comfortable and be able to be vulnerable, and Satan is not the kind of person who you want to expose your weaknesses to. There was absolutely no need for her to even be there. I don’t even understand why she’d want to be there. My husband wasn’t going to come. Its a testament to how badly she lacks empathy. She couldn’t not know that she didn’t have the best relationship with my mom. She knew they only started treating each other decently a few months prior to all of this. Why would she ever want to impose on a moment like that?. I just don’t get it and I never will. I need to accept that.
That weekend was a nightmare. My mom started to have major anxiety attacks at night, when I left. I mentioned my girlfriend who was a nurse, in my last post, but to explain further, Kathy and I have known one another since the 7th grade. We didn’t really hang out with one another in those days but back then we had a lot of friends in common. When my mom had her surgery in early February, and she had popped a few of her stitches open on her incision, I had made a post on Facebook asking if any friends were nurses. My mom’s incision looked a little funky and so I took a photo and wanted to know if they thought it looked infected. I also wanted to ask a question about cleaning it. Of the three nurses who answered me, her answer was the most thorough. I could tell just by her answers that she was a really good and dedicated nurse and knew what she was doing. From that point on we developed a Facebook friendship where we would message one another behind the scenes. It just so happened that when my mom finally got a room at the hospital, she ended up in Kathy’s unit. Even though Kathy wasn’t assigned to her room she was a god sent. In fact I told her she was my guardian angel but now that I think about it, she was more like a spirit guide to me. Kathy was one of those tough girls in high school. Not the girl you’d want to get into a fist fight with but she was always a genuine and caring person. It’s weird how life brings you back together with certain people.
Kathy worked the night shift and so she would keep an eye on my mom and text me updates throughout the night. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through this situation if it wasn’t for her. I don’t think I would’ve made it to be quite honest. Well it was that Friday night, my mom’s third full day in the hospital when Kathy had pulled me aside and asked me what I knew about my mom’s cancer. I told her I knew that it had spread to the tailbone, the stomach and lymphatic system. She then asked me if I knew about anywhere else and I told her no but that I was sure it did. She walked me over to her computer station and pulled up my moms chart. She turned to me and said, “I can get into big trouble for doing this but I think you need to know…..your mom’s cancer has spread to her lungs and that would probably explain why she was having some of the breathing problems.” I couldn’t believe it. I stood there in shock and stared at the computer screen. This explained a lot. For starters, the week prior to bringing my mom to the ER, I brought her to her lung doctor. When we got there my mom informed me that there had been a few times she had coughed up some blood. It explained why she had a cough for almost a year even though she had quit smoking over ten years prior. I couldn’t have thought of worse news.
To add insult to injury my mom started having major anxiety that first weekend in the hospital. She was having these panic episodes where she’d think she was dying and she would start freaking out and kicking the bed because she felt as if she couldn’t breathe. Kathy had text me every time she had one. My mom looked really scary that Friday and I was really concerned and so I stayed with her until well after midnight when finally her nurse found me downstairs on my way to get a coffee and told me to just go home and get rest.
That Saturday she had another episode and she called me around 3:00am, freaking out. I calmed her down and kept asking her if she wanted me to come to the hospital but she kept telling me no. I know how she operates. She never wanted to be a burden on people, impose on people or have anyone make a fuss over her, but there were times when I knew she needed me and it was inconvenient (or at least she perceived it that way) and she didn’t want to bother me, so she’d insist I didn’t have to come, but it’s like, well you wouldn’t be calling me if you didn’t need me, ma! I was in bed and it was one of the few nights I was actually able to fall asleep before 2:00am but she again was insisting I don’t come, that she just needed to talk to me and hear my voice. I asked her if she was sure a million times but it didn’t matter. I was already getting out of bed. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway.
I hung up and a few minutes later she called back and asked me for my aunt Bea’s number, which was obviously really weird seeing that they talked all of the time. That got me really concerned. Again I asked if she wanted me to come, but again she insisted that I didn’t. Again we hung up. I get a text from her. She text me my Aunt Bea’s phone number! She actually went into her text messages as if she was making a phone call and she typed in my aunt’s number and sent it to me! At that point I was asking myself, “what in the fucking fuckidy fuck is going on with her right now?”. I grabbed my keys and headed down there. When I got there she was fine. I later found out that everytime she would have these episodes it would take like three nurses to calm her down. Kathy was in there many of those times and she told me my mom would tell her to call me or she’d ask where I was, every time. As soon as I got there, she would calm down. So crazy how things come full circle in life. She always comforted me and now it was my turn to comfort her. She told me one day that she didn’t care even if I was in the room, so long as I was in the near vicinity or in the building, she felt safe.
It was one scary weekend. I don’t think I ever worried that much in my life. They scheduled her for radiation on Monday morn. In hopes that they can shrink the tumor on her tailbone and get her out of pain. There was also talks about taking a neuropathic medication. All I wanted to see was her just being comfortable. That was my biggest concern the whole time.