You could lead a horse to water….

I know what I wrote to my Aunt Debbie was harsh. I knew I may have gone a little overboard but I was just done. I couldn’t take the bullshit anymore and I wanted her and everyone else to know. I knew she was going to show my Aunt Bea that letter. I have a theory in life. If you don’t want people to know what you said, don’t say it at all! I knew she would most likely share it and I didn’t care. I was taking a stand for myself. They no longer were going to control me or my feelings anymore. 
I made a very conscious decision not to tell my mom about these letters and the fact that I was keeping my distance from my family. I knew she’d be upset that I was telling people she was depressed but she couldn’t deny it at that point. She would say those very words to me. More so than that I didn’t want her to see how shitty her sisters really were. It would all fall on meI knew my mom and what a sensitive person she was and I knew to see how they reacted to my words it would hurt her on a very deep level. She was already upset with Aunt Bea who continued to kiss Satan’s ass on social media. I decided that telling her would be detrimental to her health and so I tried to keep it from her for as long as I could. 

My mom wasn’t stupid though, she started to notice something was up. I would post photos and stuff of my son on social media and no one from my family would like or comment on them. She would ask me why but I would just tell her I didn’t know. 
It was now the summer. My mom’s condition seemed to be getting worse. It was the beginning of July and she started having trouble breathing. She went and saw a lung doctor back in June who put her on and inhaler and a nebulizer treatment. After a a few weeks though her breathing seemed to get worse. She told me she couldn’t even bend down to pick up her dog’s bowls to feed them. I knew something more was going on. 
My brothers kid turned one in early April but they didn’t have a birthday party for her at that time because they had put their house on the market and bought a newer, more expensive home. I couldn’t understand why they even needed to buy a new home. As much as I hate to admit it, The house they lived in was already nice. They had a huge swimming pool in the yard, a nice piece of property on a cul de sac and the house was completely renovated and updated. They were also in one of the best school districts in our county. I guess it wasn’t enough for Satan. 
I remember reading somewhere that psychopaths and their cluster B counterparts get bored easily. They have a constant need for excitement in their lives. That was certainly true for Satan. It seemed like she could never just stop and smell the roses. She constantly had to be planning the next big thing in her life. She did the engagement, the wedding, the baby and now she needed the big thing in life to keep her busy, a new house. Idle hands are the devils playground I suppose. 
They moved into their house sometime in June and so Satan must’ve gotten bored and so she decided to plan a 1st birthday party for her kid who was now nearly one and a half years old. Most people probably would’ve called it a wash by then. I know I would’ve felt a little strange throwing a party for my son four months after his birthday but to each their own I guess. Either way, she had the entire summer at that point and could’ve had the party on any day but she choose my mom’s birthday, at the end of July to have it. 
It was the first time since before their wedding that I was actually invited to a party. I hadn’t seen my brother since we brought our kids to my mom’s house that day back in March and we hadn’t really spoken since he brought my mom for the second opinion at Sloan Kettering. They hadn’t helped with my mom since then either. My husband didn’t want to go to their house. He was pretty pissed off at this point too. Our entire lives were turned upside down since the day after Christmas 2015. We were the ones who were helping my mom with everything. If something broke in her house my husband was the one who’d be over there fixing it. My brother always had an excuse. I really didn’t want to go to their house either as I was also annoyed. Also there was the whole issue with my aunts. My husband didn’t want them to see my son and I felt the same way and so together we both decided that we weren’t going to attend the birthday party. As a parent, I don’t want my son to think it’s ok to treat other people like shit. 
At this point in time I hadn’t spoken to anyone in my family. Not even my supposed “sister” Tina. She just stopped talking to me one day and I had no idea why. I also didn’t want to see Aunt Bea or Aunt Debbie. I was still pretty upset with both of them. I didn’t know how I was going to break this news to my mom. I really didn’t have any other excuse for not going. After everything happened between my cousins I had extreme anxiety about going to family parties for a very long time. I had just started to get over that and now I felt like it was back again. I was having bad anxiety in general with everything that was going on with my mom too. For the last decade I forced myself to go to family functions out of respect for my mom but I was just at a point where I was really fed up. I had written my aunt Sue and apology for snapping at her and she never acknowledged it. I felt awkward around her too. I just had no desire to be around any of my aunts and uncles and to be quite honest, I still felt very awkward with my brother and Satan. Our reconciliation was a complete farce. They only invited us when their was an audience. They went out for my brothers birthday earlier in July and we weren’t invited but now that the whole family was going to be there, they decided to invite us? 
Also, to be honest I thought it was bullshit that they were even having a party for their daughter this many months after her birthday and I also thought it was bullshit that they choose my mom’s Birthday of all days to do it. My mom had hands down the hardest year of her life. She had been through hell and was still going through hell. I thought of that birthday was going to be her last, then she deserves a day that’s all about HER. She shouldn’t be over shadowed by a one year old. 
I had to tell my mom and the more I put it off, the worse it was going to be and so one day on the phone I finally came out with it. She was pissed….like really pissed. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her but I explained to her that I just felt awkward at my brother’s house. I also told her I’d do the right thing. I’d politely say I had other plans that day and send a gift for the baby. She didn’t want to hear it and so finally at that moment, everything just kind of hit me and I started to cry. I told her that I was extremely worried about her and that I reached out to my aunts to get them to help me and they turned it into an argument. She was demanding I show her the letters but I made a conscience decision not to show her. I didn’t care. She didn’t need to see them and she didn’t need yet another reason to be upset. She was so angry that she hung up the phone on me. Later that night I wrote her an email and explained myself, my feelings about my brother and my aunts. Once I laid it all out in a way she could understand, she got it and just told me to make sure I let them know I wasn’t coming. 

Ever since everything went down with my cousins, I somehow got painted as the family big mouth. I was honestly fine with it. They’re right, I do have a big mouth and when someone is being treated wrong or unfairly, you’re damn skippy I’m going to say something to you about it. If sticking up for the truth makes me the bad guy, then fine. 
AIt was the day before the party when my mom called me and told me her breathing was getting really, really bad again. She told me that she could not bend down at all. If she did she would get really winded and she would have a really hard time catching her breath. I was strongly urging her to go to the ER again but she kept saying she was fine, she could wait, it’s not that bad ALL of the time, only when she’d bend down. She was really avoiding the doctors at all costs and I knew exactly why. She knew her kidney was failing but she didn’t want to face it. I also think she was scared to tell my brother and Satan she was going to miss their party. I told her, if they’re normal human beings that they will understand that her health was more important. I could hear how bad her breathing was just by talking to her. She was gasping for air in between every word and it was seriously scaring the shit out of me. I kept saying it over and over that she should go to the ER but she said all she wanted to do was sleep. When we hung up I did a google search for “out of breath while bending down.” And something came up about heart failure and so I sent it to her in a text message with the intention of scaring her into letting me take her to the ER 
It was about 11:30pm that same night when my phone was ringing. I answer the phone and it’s her and she’s screaming, [my name] get over here!!!! I can’t breathe!!!!.” I didn’t even ask her what was going on. I told her I was calling 911 and heading over. I literally ran right out of my house and started heading over there. I called 911 while I was driving. I was crying. I was really scared. I really thought I was going to get there and find her lying dead on the floor and I was all by myself. 
I got up to the house and the ambulance was there already which completely shocked me. My ride there was less than ten minutes. What ended up happening was that she must’ve had a panic attack. She said she felt as if she couldn’t breathe in bed and she was lying there focused on the breathing when suddenly she got an excruciating cramp in her leg, she jumped out of bed and lost her footing, hit her collarbone on the dresser and went down like a ton of bricks, that’s when she called me.
 I walked into her living room and she is seated in her oversized chair talking to the EMT’s. The EMT told her she just had a panic attack. He was almost trying to convince her that she didn’t need to go to the hospital and so I explained that her hemocrit was low, she was swelled up, she couldn’t breathe and he was making excuses. Blaming the hot summer air, the fact she had asthma and COPD. I was kind of annoyed with him to be honest. In fact at one point I said, “well she has a lot of things going on…she has a complex medical history.” He responded to me by saying, “we all have a medical history. That doesn’t mean we have to run to the emergency room, every time something happens.”. 
Eventually my mom let the guy talk her out of going even though she was complaining about the pain in her collarbone. The EMT’s packed it up and left. I was really annoyed with my mom. Clearly she wasn’t in good shape. I again tried to plead with her and told her I could still take her to the ER, that I didn’t care how late it was. She refused and told me she just wanted to go to bed and sleep. You can lead a horse to water…
I left my mom’s house that night with a very, very bad feeling. There was something all too familiar about this all. I felt like I was reliving the last months of my dad’s life. I had no idea how bad things….EVERYTHING…was going to get….

To be continued in my next post. 

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