I had written to both of my aunts in hopes that they would help me get help for my mom because I was becoming increasingly concerned about her mental wellbeing. My Aunt Bea responded first and I found her response extremely insulting. She wrote to me:
Dear [me], I actually didn’t read through your whole letter. I’m in the middle of babysitting. But I need to tell you that your Mom listens to you more than anyone. If you notice something that we aren’t seeing…YOU need to act on it. I will always be there for my sister…as I have been from day one. I’m there for every one of my family members. I’m so glad that she has you and [my brother], because I’m trying to be there for as many people as possible…my daughter…my grandchildren and Mom. You need to have a sit down with your brother to help your Mom figure out what would be best for her.
First off she didn’t even read what I wrote supposedly but she had the appropriate response and subsequent excuse lined up for it??? She completely contradicts herself by saying she is “always” there for her sister but then she goes on to basically explain that she already has enough plate with taking care of her daughter, her daughter’s kids and my grandmother?? She is “always” there for her sister but she couldn’t even take the time to finish reading a letter from her sister’s daughter about her concern for her sister….but she is “always” there and has been since day one. Also, the line about my brother. At the time everyone knew my brother was very much so NOT there. That we weren’t really communicating and that he was doing absolutely nothing to help my mom. Why add that in? I wasn’t talking to her about my brother. I was asking them for help. It was just a way to twist the knife. She is “there for all of her family members” but she certainly wasn’t there for me, that’s for sure.
I wrote this in response to what she wrote to me….
Aunt Bea, I’m not asking you to care for her or take time away from [her daughter] or [her daughter’s] kids. I understand you have other priorities. I have other people to care for as well. I got my husband and son. I don’t have ANY help with my son. Can’t tell you the last time my husband and I went out alone. Well, I can. It was well before Xmas and my mom watched [my son] for an hour and a half so we can go Xmas shopping for him. Before then, your guess is as good as mine. Maybe February of 2015 when we went to [my cousin’s husband’s] 30th bday. I’m just asking that if you’re already talking to her on the phone (which I know you already do) then maybe mention it to her. That’s all. She actually DOESN’T listen to me, AT ALL. If she did, we probably wouldn’t even be having this convo. I’ve been trying to encourage her for YEARS already to take better care of herself and to get help. I’ve even gone so far as reaching out to therapists and having them contact her. I’m on her CONSTANTLY about her diet and her health. She doesn’t listen.
As for [my brother]. I’m not really understanding why he needs to be brought into this?????? Where does he fit into me talking to you guys? I try to talk to him but it’s hard. He doesn’t seem to want to talk with me in that way. I can’t force him. He’s busy with his own life too. I was asking you guys to just have a conversation with her because I know that after me, you and Aunt Debbie are the two people she talks to the most and I know she respects your opinions and advice, that’s all.
She responds to me with this line of bullshit:
Telling you [me]….she does not want to hear anything I have to say. I will continue to talk to her and try to keep her on a positive role.
Here we go with the “positive” bullshit again. What does that even mean? I really and truly didn’t understand the resistance here. What was the big deal? I wasn’t asking them to go to my mom’s home, clock her over the head with a frying pan, blindfold her, kidnap her and drag her to a therapists office. I was just asking to make a mention of it. I didn’t get it at all. It was like she was cutting off her nose to spite her face! Clearly it was more important to spite me then to help their sister. I really couldn’t believe what I was reading and so my last response was this:
I know she doesn’t listen but that doesn’t mean to stop trying, right? She hasn’t EVER listened to me but I keep pushing her. Not sure what you mean by trying to keep her on a positive role???? Can you explain?
She never answered me back. Probably because she had no real explanation. She just didn’t want to be bothered because helping me meant helping the person who blew the whistle on her child molester son. She wasn’t hurting me though. She was just making herself look like a callous, cold and uncaring sister.
My mom got into an argument with Aunt Bea once about my brother and Satan. My mom (silly her) thought she could call up her sister and vent her frustrations to her about her son. Aunt Bea responded by telling my mom that she didn’t want to hear anymore negative talk about my brother, that he was a good kid and she loved him. My mom confronted her and said, “to be quite honest, I think you still hold resentment against my daughter for what happened with your son.” Aunt Bea’s response was, “you’re crazy! Why are you bringing that situation up? That was ten years ago. I couldn’t have been happier to get it over with.” She didn’t deny it. If she didn’t hold resentment towards me maybe her response would’ve been, “I don’t hold resentment towards your daughter. I understand that she did what she had to do to help her cousin.”. Basically to me what she said was basically her admitting that she did hold a resentment towards me and it was more than clear in her actions over the years.
Aunt Bea was a lost cause. These letters were my last real interactions with her. As for my aunt Debbie, I still held out hope for her. I figured all out previous talks about my mom plus what I wrote would make her see that it was serious. I couldn’t have been more wrong….
Please see part 3 for aunt Debbie’s response.