(Please see my previous posts so the story makes sense)
My mom got her closure. You may think it was wrong that my mom recorded Satan and let me listen to it and under normal circumstances I’d agree. As I said in my previous post, I don’t think she had ill intent. I think my mom believed she was actually going to get through to Satan and she knew that if she did, she would need proof to show me. It’s kind of how I sent the gift to the shower to prove that it wasn’t me. It was them who just couldn’t let go.
For me, the recording confirmed everything I believed about Satan. I admit I listened to it several times and analyzed it quite thoroughly. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry about what she had to say about me. Even though I know it was all lies, it bothered me that she was trying to convince my mom that I was keeping things from her or not telling her the whole story. What bothered me most was that she told my mom I had threatened to do something to disrupt their wedding. I mean that was a flat out lie. I know my mom knew that wasn’t the truth. She read every email, text, etc that I had sent my brother during that time. That’s the kind of relationship we had. Even more than that though, the thing that made me really angry was the way she talked to my mom. I could NEVER talk to my mother in law in that way. I mean it wasn’t just what she was saying to her but the tone in which she said it.
Once thing I could never figure out during this whole thing is that her and my mom had gotten into several battles over the course of that year and a half. I, on the other hand had only gotten into it with her the one time she came to my house and a short text exchange after she had a fight with my cousin, his girlfriend and subsequently my mom. Other than that any words I said were always to my brother, yet she seemed to have some willingness to allow my brother to have a relationship with my mom. I didn’t understand what it was about me that she was so adamantly against. I mean they got into a battle after the wedding and my mom straight up told her that she ruined our family and even after that, she still allowed that relationship. She still had restrictions on my mom and brother but she allowed it. I always wondered why that was? Did even she know that mother’s are sacred? I never understood it, but then one day it dawned on me. My mother has more to offer than I do. Really what could she get from me? I also think she thought my mother was a bit more pliable and forgiving than I was. At the same time, she knew she had to give a little in order to keep my brother compliant.
My mom had reached the end of her rope. She now got the answers she needed but she wasn’t ready to give up the fight just yet. My brother and Satan planned to christen the baby. My mom was so fed up at this point in time and I think she was starting to lose it a little bit and so she decided that she wasn’t going to attend the christening. My brother and Satan choose the god parents. The god father was my brothers friend who was also the best man in his wedding and the god mother…..well it wasn’t going to be me. They chose Satan’s other daughter to be the god mother. Of course I wasn’t going to be part of my niece’s christening. My mom was really disgusted at this point and felt that since my brother and Satan had no regard for her feelings, she had none for theirs.
Following the fight with Satan, my brother had threatened my mom that if she didn’t “get on board” with his wife, she wasn’t going to see her granddaughter. My mom was fed up and I guess desperate times called for desperate measures. She wanted to teach them a lesson. She didn’t want to jump aboard the Satan train. I appreciated taking a stand but I told her to not do it on a count of me. At this point I was totally fine with not being invited to the christening. She told me she wasn’t doing it for me, she was doing it for herself but still I didn’t think it was a very good idea. I didn’t think my mom would actually go through with her plan. I was trying really hard to talk sense into her. I told her she’s letting Satan win by not going to the christening and so eventually she changed her plan.
The day of the christening came and I was still trying to convince my mom to just go to the christening. It wasn’t going to accomplish anything. All it was going to do is make things worse. My mom knew Satan had something seriously wrong with her on a clinical level but I don’t think she fully understood what type of person we were dealing with her. She doesn’t play by the rules. In fact she doesn’t play by any rules. She’s the game master. She makes the rules and can change them at anytime, without prior notice. My mom got dressed and went to the church. I honestly didn’t expect to hear from her for the rest of the day. I thought that once her family got to her, she’d change her mind and just go to the party afterwards. That didn’t happen. About an hour later I see her car pulling up in my driveway. She actually did it! I was shocked.
The next day she was told by my aunts that my brother was very hurt. She tried to justify her actions by saying, “good, now he knows how I feel and my daughter feels.” Still they didn’t think it was right. My brother called her and asked why she did what she did and of course that turned into a huge argument and he ended up hanging up on him. She called me up crying. I knew that was going to happen. She was so upset and so I calmed her down and told her that she owed my brother a sincere and heartfelt apology. It wasn’t right for her to use the baby’s day to make a statement. She called my brother and apologized.
At this point in time I decided that enough was enough already. I hade made several attempts to fix things and my mom made even more. If what we were doing was going to work, it would’ve worked by now. We were only a few months shy of two years. I wanted to fix the situation so bad and the only reason I did so was because I just couldn’t take seeing what this was doing to her. It had changed her. It made her angry and bitter. She became deeply depressed. Every holiday, birthday and special occasion she was sad and felt like she couldn’t celebrate. The only thing that seemed to bring her any type of joy was my son. I wished so badly that I could take her pain but I couldn’t. I cannot force my brother to want a relationship with me and since I couldn’t do that, the only other way to help her move forward was by putting the blame on myself.
I had a long talk with my mom one day. I explained to her that so much has happened over the span of the last year and a half and that so many lines were crossed and bridges burned that I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to fix things anymore. I told her she needed to respect my decision as I am now a grown woman and can make my own choices in life. I also pointed out to her that she at least had her foot in the door and that since they were willing to have some form of a relationship with them, she needed to work on fixing that. I told her I’d try my hardest not to get upset when she talked to them or told me stuff about the baby.
I admit it was hard for me to comprehend the fact that she was always so willing to forgive my brother. That’s the dynamic of their relationship ever since we were kids. My mom always gave in to him. My brother was a huge tantrum thrower. If he didn’t get his way he’d, whine, cry, scream and kick until he got it. He did it as a toddler and all through out his teen years. I remember my dad saying to me, shortly before he died that my mom screwed my brother up as a kid because she spoiled him and always gave in. My dad always viewed my brother as a whiney little pussy and I used to get mad at him but I finally understood what he was talking about. He was right. My mom always let my brother walk all over her and here at 36 years old, he was still trying to do it.
Th next few months of our lives were relatively quiet after that when it came to them and I was perfectly fine with things but we were about to get the shock of a lifetime…..
(To be continued in my next post)
(Please see my previous posts so the story makes sense)