(Please see my previous posts so this story makes sense)
The baby was coming. There was absolutely no doubt about it. They say narcissists do not make good parents. Would we expect them to?. Satan was already a parent to a 12 year old girl. I hadn’t been around them that much but the few times I had, Satan would always kind of be putting her down. She’d say things like, “sorry she looks like a slob today, she dressed herself.”. If you tried to compliment the kid, Satan always had to take credit for whatever you were complimenting her on for example if you said, “daughter your hair looks pretty!” Satan would say, “that’s because I curled it.” Or “daughter I like your shoes.” Satan wound jump in and say, “they’re my shoes she borrowed them. She couldn’t let the kid just receive a compliment without taking the credit. On social media however, Satan would praise her daughter, call her her “princess” and brag about her accomplishments. She would also post photos of her and say things like, “my mini-me” or “my twin”. Its really sick with these people do with their children and how they are treated as an extension of them instead of an individual being.
It was nearing the time that they were able to find out the sex of the baby. I was hoping for a girl and my mom was hoping for a boy. I didn’t want a boy because I didn’t want anything with Satan’s DNA carrying on my family name. I know that sounds harsh but Satan didn’t even have enough decency to take my last name when she married my brother. At the same time I’m kind of happy she didn’t. She doesn’t deserve to bear my last time. My mom didn’t want a girl because she knew Satan was going to do the whole princess thing again. I cannot stand the word princess either. I feel like it gives little girls a sense of entitlement, that they should be doted on hand and foot, that they shouldn’t have to do things for themselves. That’s just my take on it.
My mom was super stressed about the baby but she started to feel the pressure from her family. They were making her feel like shit about for her lack of excitement. Again her family lacked perspective and insight. A baby being born should be a happy thing for the whole entire family. My mom knew I was not going to play any role in this baby’s life. She knew that any time she was able to see her grandkids it would have to be separate. She would never see them play together. It’s easy for everyone else to say how they’d feel when they’re not the ones dealing with the problems. I have learned in the last year that no one had the right to tell you how you should feel or shouldn’t feel, whether or not you should let things go or get over them. We all must walk our own paths in life.
As time went on I tried to encourage my mom to separate mine and my brothers relationship (or lackthereof) from her own relationship with him. I knew she would want to be part of her grandbaby’s life and to build a bond with him or her just as she did with my son. I encouraged her to be the better person and be there for my brother. There was a small amount of willingness of Satan’s part to allow a relationship between my brother and my mom and I told my mom to take advantage of that.
One of Satan’s minions…I mean friends, was throwing her a baby shower. I say that because narcissists seem to have their own little fan clubs. They only hang out witnesses people who either worship them or do things for them. This particular friend is the friend who always does things for Satan. It’s obviously that the girl is highly insecure. At this point my family all came around and R.S.V.P’d to the shower. I of course, wasn’t on the guest list. My mom was considering not going to the shower because of that but I told her she’d NEVER hear the end of it from Aunt Bea and her other sisters and sister-in-laws. Still it didn’t stop her from being really stressed out. When you’re going through something like this, you need validation. My mom got absolutely no validation from her family. No one in my family seems to know how to just listen without giving their opinions. They didn’t have to agree with her but they could’ve just listened and said they understood. Feeling unsupported when you are depressed about something makes it all the more harder to handle. Telling someone who is upset or depressed to “get over it” or “move on” or “think positively” is almost as dangerous as handing them rope or a loaded gun. It does absolutely nothing to help them and in fact, makes them feel even worse. They just didn’t get it. My mom became even more depressed.
Personally I couldn’t take seeing my mom depressed. It was KILLING ME. She was getting really stressed out over this baby shower. We also found out that the baby was a girl which she didn’t want. Something I forgot to mention here is that my brother also would make my mom feel like shit, like SHE created this whole thing and it was all in her head. This is called gaslighting. When you gaslight someone you are basically making them doubt their own reality. Narcissists love to gaslight. I’m not saying my brother is a narcissist. In fact if I had to assign anything to him, id say he’s codependent. It’s not uncommon for victims to take on some narcissistic traits too. Anyway, I decided I’d use the baby shower as one more attempt to reconcile with my brother. I went out and bought the baby a gift to send along to the shower with my mom. I tried to pick out things that had meaning so I got the baby a super woman onesie, because my brother loved superman when he was a kid. I picked out things that said daddy’s girl and and stuff like that. Overall I spent around $100 on the gift. I also put it in a personalized gift bag and made it look all nice. I wanted them to see I put thought and effort into the gift, hoping it wound spark some human emotion in Satan.
The shower came and went. I didn’t hear anything from my brother about the gift. No texts, no phone calls no nothing. A few weeks after the shower my family members started receiving their thank you cards in the mail. To be 100% honest, I didn’t expect to get one. Part of the reason that I even bought the gift was to prove a point to everyone in my family. If you look me and my brother, I am the outspoken, opinionated one. I wear my heart on my sleeve, good, bad or indifferent. I tell it how it is. My brother has a nickname in our family, “*Jimmy the guy”. He’s just like that nice guy. He doesn’t share his opinions too much. He kind of just keeps to himself and stays quiet and so of course it’s much easier for people to believe that the outspoken, opinionated person is the asshole. Everyone was insisting that somehow this baby was going to magically cure Satan of her personality disorder and break my brother out of his fog. Again, they didn’t understand that we were dealing with someone who wasn’t playing with a full deck of cards. Someone who was disordered on a clinical level. I wanted my family to see that it didn’t matter what I did or how I didn’t. Satan made the rules and then changed them in the middle of the game.
I let a few days pass by but a thank you card never showed up in my mailbox. My point was proven. While I knew that was going to be the case, there was still that small part of me that hoped there would be some acknowledgement. My mom also wanted to hold out hope. Everyday I’d tell her there was no thank you in my mailbox and everyday she’d say, “maybe tomorrow.” I think we both finally reached a new level of defeat. It’s very hard to accept when someone who was raised in the same way as you, completely loses their moral compass. Watching someone you love fall in love with a narcissist is almost as bad as watching someone you love, fall in love with heroin. It’s so sad to see someone lose themselves.
Finally it got to a point where we realized that too much time had passed and the prospect of me getting a thank you or any type of acknowledgement from them, was not happening. My mom was really disappointed. My mom always had more hope and faith in my brother than I did. Maybe because she had never been in a relationship with a personality disordered individual and couldn’t understand the complete and utter fear of going against them. I got it though. I dated someone like this. I know how much power and control a person like this can have over you. I know the paranoia they can instill in you. As ridiculous as this sounds, there were time I used to think my ex-psychopath could actually read my mind. I felt guilty having bad thoughts about him.
At this point in time I decided to throw in the towel. I really didn’t even want an explanation. Actions speak louder than words. My mom on the other hand just felt like she had to say something and so she asked him why I was never thanked and he made some lame excuse up about some of the thank you cards getting lost in the mail. I guess that was possible but what’s the chances that MY card was one of them?
To be continued in my next post.