(Please see my previous posts for the story makes sense)
The wedding had come and gone. My mom got into her another fight with them after the wedding but I don’t really remember all the details. I just remember her being upset because she didn’t hear from my brother for over three weeks after his wedding. Her relationship with him seemed to consist of fighting all of the time. Any time my mom would bring up me and him talking he would flip out. He would not sit down and even have a conversation about it. He insisted that I apologize to his wife. If that didn’t happen, the relationship didn’t exist. I would consider myself a pretty forgiving person and I am not above apologizing…..if there’s something to apologize over. In this case I was not going to apologize for defending myself. By this point in time I had started to read about narcissistic personality disorder and it became abundantly clear to me that I was dealing with one. I had a strong sense that an apology with a narcissist is like putting a bandaid on a boo-boo. It will only be a temporary fix, she’d find something else to hate me for.
It was a weeknight in mid April, not even two full months after they had gotten married. My mom calls me and tells me that she spoke to my brother and it sounded like there was trouble in paradise. He had confided in my mom and told her that he was going to start seeing a therapist to “learn how to deal with his wife.” He also told my mom he thinks his wife has borderline personality disorder. He told my mom that he loved her regardless and wanted to try to make it work. Personally I think he forced himself to make it work because he had no other option. Moving out of her home would mean he’d have to start over from scratch. Satan made it that way on purpose. She made him completely reliant on her. He would leave that house with nothing but the shirt off his back. Neither one of us was shocked by any of this.
I started reading about borderline personality disorder (BPD) and from what I gathered it wasn’t an easy thing to deal with at all. Borderlines are very emotionally unstable. Almost every website advised that if you notice ANY of the red flags to run and run fast, and don’t look back! Even if you were able to convince the borderline to go to therapy, successful treatment was rare. There’s no magic pill for BPD. It’s a personality disorder, not a imbalance of chemicals in your brain. I wondered to myself how my brother could read about this and still want to pursue this marriage. I couldn’t see myself putting up with it and in fact the more I read, the more I realized that one of my exboyfriends was quite possibly a borderline himself. That relationship was TORTURE. It was like being held in a prison of my own making and being waterboarded for hours and hours over the smallest of things. Borderlines fear rejection, fear abandonment and a whole plethora of other ridiculous fears.
I was starting to become very concerned for my brother’s wellbeing but at the end of the day, it’s his life and he has to live with the choices he made. I had no choice but to just move on with my life. I had tried writing to him and never got a response. I couldn’t force him to want a relationship with me.
It was an April night and I was in my kitchen preparing dinner for my husband when I hear a knock at the door. My husband opens the door and standing there in front of us is my brother. I hadn’t seen him since October of the year prior. Six entire months had passed. That was the longest I had ever gone without talking to him. I would never imagine this was a possibility. Right away I could tell something was wrong. He had black bags under his eyes and looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. The best way I can describe him was frazzled. We invited him in and he gave me a big hug and said he was sorry and didn’t ever want to go that long without talking again.
He hadn’t even been there for a full two minutes and his phone started ringing. He told me he wanted to take a ride so we could talk. He excuses himself to take the phone call. My husband and I go back into the kitchen while he’s outside on my front porch. We looked at each other and I whispered. “What the fuck is going on?”. He’s quiet for a few seconds and then suddenly it turns into yelling. My husband and I look at one another with those ‘what in the fucking fuck’ faces. I wanted to hear what was being said but didn’t want it to be obvious that we were listening. Even though he was yelling it was hard to make out exactly what was being said. The only thing I managed to hear clearly was him saying, “I’m not coming home when you’re being this irrational.”.
He was out there fighting with her for a total of almost 15 minutes. We actually kept track because it started to seem like he was out there forever. I have never felt so awkward inside my own home as I did that day. Finally he came walking back in. You could just see the worry and anxiety on his face. My husband asks if he’s ok and my brother says, “well that’s why I wanted to come here, I need to talk to my sister.”. He seemed like he was in a big rush to get out of my house, like he didn’t want to be there. I had to run upstairs and grab my jacket. My husband was asking if he wanted to go see my son and stuff but my brother just wanted to leave asap. I was in the middle of breading pork chops but I dropped everything I was doing to be there for him, but you know, I’m a bad sister and all.
We walked out side. I can tell he was really anxious and aggravated. I asked if he wanted to smoke a cigarette or something and he told me that he just wanted to get in the car and go. It was the first time I had ever seen his mercedes. We get in the car and he starts it up and asks me if there are any parks or anywhere we can park the car and talk. Maybe I have watched one too many episodes of 48 hours and dateline but there was no way I was going to some secluded place in a car, at night. No way! My brother was totally brainwashed by this woman. If she can get him to completely write off his mother and sister, she can get him to do anything for her. I told him the library was around the corner and we can park there.
When my brother is stressed out or worried about something he has this nervous habit where he plays with the belt loop of his jeans. I noticed he was doing it a lot. After we decided where we were going I just blurted out, What the fuck is going on? He answers me and tells me, “I do not know how much longer me and Satan are going to last.”. Right as he finishes his sentence, I notice a number flashing on the dashboard of his Mercedes, it was her calling. He said he didn’t want to answer. We hadn’t even made it to the end of my block and already she was calling. He goes on to say that he is really sorry that we didn’t speak for that long and that he wanted to fix things with me. He also told me that he had started to see a therapist because he needed to learn how to deal with his crazy wife. He told me he knew I hated her but she really wasn’t that bad of a person, she just has some issues. He said he loved her and loved his step daughter and that he wanted to try to make things work with her.
That very night was his first session with the therapist. He went straight after work and called Satan on his way home. Everything was ok. She asked him how it went and he told her it was good. She then asked what he talked about with the therapist. My brother didn’t want to hurt her and tell her the truth so he told her that what they discussed was between him and the therapist (who happened to be a female). That was it, from that point out she went into a rage and told him she wanted him out of the house.
As he’s telling me the story her name is flashing on the screen over and over again. I finally told him he should probably answer it. I asked if she knew he was at my house and he answered me with a very stern, “NOOOOOOO!”. He told me to be quiet and he pulls his phone out of his pocket, answers it and switches off the Bluetooth. He was holding the phone tightly up against his ear. He says hello, and suddenly this demonic voice comes out. She is screaming at him. I can hear her pretty clearly and she’s telling him that she’s fucking done and he better get home and get his shit before he finds it on the front lawn in a pile of ashes. She kept repeating, “I’m fucking done! I’m fucking done!”. I swear if I kept track there were more fucks said in that minute long conversation than there was in the entire 2 hours of Goodfellas! I mean the shit she was saying was just crazy. She was just going off. My brother trying to keep his composure in front of me just kept saying, “ok, ok!”. Finally he hangs up and lets out a big sigh. We had just reached the library, which is 4 miles away from my home when he’s like, “I gotta go home and take care of this.”. On the way back to my house my brother explained that this was a routine occurrence. He explained how she could go from zero to sixty in 2.2 seconds. It was as if some switch got flipped and usually her rage didn’t match the circumstances. He said she was constantly accusing him of things even though gave her no good reason to . She accused him of lying to him about something pretty serious before their wedding but he wouldn’t say what exactly it was. My brother is a good guy. He’s the kind of guy you want to bring home to your parents. He’s a very trustworthy person. I couldn’t imagine what it was and to this day I still don’t know.
We got to back to my house and I felt almost as if he pushed me out of the car while it was still moving. He told me he would be back and that he still wanted to talk so we could fix things between us. I gave him a hug and got out of the car and watched him speed away. I was really concerned about my brother that night. It scared me that they were only married for two months and already they were getting into fights this bad. The threats also bothered me. It’s not like he went out and cheated on her. He went somewhere to make himself a better person. It goes to show how truly insecure and paranoid she is that she is worried that my brother told this therapist something about her. In reality what she was afraid of was the therapist exposing her. It shows that she knows the things she does aren’t right. I didn’t hear from him for the rest of the night. He didn’t call or text and never came back.
The next day I woke up still worried and so I called my mom and told her to call him and make sure he’s ok. After what I had witnessed that night and how my brother reacted to me asking if she was aware of the fact that he was with me, I didn’t want to be responsible for my brother’s personal belongings being destroyed because I called him. At least what was left of them. My mom did call him and talk to him and she found out that the therapist was the one who suggested he make amends with me. The therapist told him that he should do whatever was in his heart and he shouldn’t let anyone stand in his way. Personally I think he came here on impulse. I think had he not gotten into the fight with her that day, he wouldn’t have come over. Where else was he going to go? Slowly but surely Satan was weeding people out of his life and isolating him.
Later that day he called me from work. He told me to download aol instant messenger so we could talk. He didn’t want me to call or text him in fear she’d see it. I could tell she had successfully hoovered him back in that night when he returned home. Probably by pretending to change and telling him that she only gets so crazy because she loves him so much and she’s terrified of losing him. It’s a classic manipulation tactic called hoovering. Hoovering is another term I learned on the BPD support sites I had gotten info from. According to the Out of the fog website the definition of hoovering is as follows, “A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.” They go on to add,
“It is most likely to happen when:
• There has just been an emotional outburst, episode of violence or other extreme period of abuse; at the point where the perpetrator realizes the victim is likely to leave, retaliate or seek help from others.
• The victim starts to pull away from the relationship, leave the relationship or establish firmer boundaries within the relationship.
• The abuser internally feels unworthy and fears the loss of the relationship.”
All three of these things happened that day……
My brother had explained to me again that he was sorry and I told him I was too. He then assured me that he wanted to fix things between us but unfortunately it was going to have to be without her knowing about it for a while. That she wasn’t ready to move on and it had to be done in “baby steps”. Basically what my brother was doing was enabling her behavior. Something he learned from our mother who enabled my dad’s drinking for almost 30 years. I had asked him if he thought she had a personality disorder (which I already knew he did) and he told me yes but then he went on to tell me that 1 in every 20 women have one and it’s very common, thusly trying to normalize and minimize it. (That’s a frightening statistic). Then he started to backpedal well maybe it’s PTSD and not BPD because her dad had died unexpectedly (in his 70’s) a few years prior and she was daddy’s little girl, (or so she says) and that both disorders “manifest in the same way”. I can tell he had been reading a lot of the same sites I read by some of the terms he was using. While that is true I highly doubt that was the case. If you look at her track record and two previous marriages it probably points more to BPD.
He told me that some of the things she does are seemingly crazy she does them because she has a deep seeded fear that he is going to leave her. Then he told me she wanted him to be there and he should’ve been there for her that night. All this bullshit to downplay and minimize her bat shit crazy behavior that night .
There was one thing my brother said that really troubled me in that conversation and that was that, “she is threatened by the close relationship me, you, and mom have, and I have to show her that my love for her and my love for you guys is different, and that there is enough to go around.”. That truly troubled me. Most normal people don’t need to be told that. It’s a given. The fact that she cannot distinguish the love in their relationship from the love in his familial relationships, shows how truly twisted she is. Even the fact that she feels threatened by us is a strange concept for me. We are his family. He can come to me for advice but I think it’s abundantly clear that he’s not going to take it.
The game plan from then out for him was that SHE was going to pick out a therapist for him that they’d see for marriage counseling and that he’d see separately. He told me she thought he should see a guy because she thought that guys were better in general (?????). The one he picked was a woman and apparently that was another reason she flipped out that night. I don’t know if my brother realized how sick this all sounds. I mean he cannot even pick out his own therapist? I also find it interesting that she seems to think guys are “better” therapists. That is such bullshit, nonsense! No, she thinks guys are easier to manipulate. She knows damn well if she sits down in front of another woman, that woman’s intuition is going to kick in and that woman will have the ability to see right through her. She must be in control of everything…..EVERYTHING.
(To be continued in my next post)